"Says he's back and isn't back" is one of my best bits. Why would I ever stop it for you?
But anyway.
I'm making this post for me, just to kind of prove I can do it.
I'm still kickin', folks.
Lots (LOTS) of ups and downs. Shitty times have been had and will be had again, but I'm carefully neutral for now. Talking to my doctor about health problems and antidepressants and all that jazz. Appreciating the rush I get when my chud brother or my excessively British mother agrees with leftist politics by accident. The days of summer slip through my fingers like sunlight on the kitchen counter; a month's already gone by and I have nothing to show for it. I'm working on a few things, though.
I'm wispy recently, half-alive, caught in between ideas and, like, suicidal ideation. Did good in uni year 2, which I feel good about, but I already know next year's gonna fuck me up, and then is, uh... the rest of my life.
Yeesh.
I'm trying not to let it all get me down too much, but man oh man, it's a cold world out there.
I've been thinking recently about how god damn unfulfilled and lonely I really feel. Disconnected. Missing some important pieces. Did you know I don't know where Sweden is on a map?
I'm doing my best to get through this weird patch I've found myself in, but I really am deeply, deeply lonely and very very afraid to die. If I somehow ended up getting hit by a bus or whatever tomorrow I couldn't at all say I was happy. That's really scary. And no chemical or drug or behavioural therapy can fix that. Only I can fix that.
I'm working on it.
Things are moving, very slowly, but it still feels like right now life is just passing me by. Like I'm spending too much time worrying about my life to live it.
One day I'll blink and I'll be eighty-something, but I'm in my 20s right now. Still alive.
I'm trying to tell myself that just because something will happen doesn't mean it's happened already.
(Thanks for that weird ass mentality, Catholic school. Well, at least it made me good at symbolism.)
Song of the day: I Hope That I Get Old Before I Die by They Might Be Giants
