Sometimes I’m Just Happy I’m Older (birthday thoughts)

I’ve been an adult for an undisclosed amount of time, but I keep reaching ages that feel like Real Adult Ones, and this is another one of those. It’s an age that makes me go “how old am i? oh yeah im— ohhh shit. oh shit. oh fuck” and start comically sweating or something to that effect.

I’m balding, I’ve got spots in weird places, my chest and back hurt, my mouth feels weird all the time, and I’ve got a whole other myriad of things wrong with me, but… I’m doing okay.

This hasn’t been my consistently happiest year but it’s been good. I’m goin’ up, y’know? I forgot what that was like for a while.

I feel like all the magic of birthdays has long drained and the joy has gone from me at the mere concept of Being The Birthday Boy, but it’s good to mark the fact that, like... I got here. I made it. It’s another year I kind of never thought I’d see. Time marches on.

Birthdays probably stopped being fun for me the day it was my birthday in my drama class and they stopped the whole lesson to sing to me really loudly and obnoxiously.

I was standing in front of the mirror, so all I could see was my own warped reflection and the reflections of the people behind me. I didn’t think anything profound, though I wish I did — I just wondered when the lesson would end so I could go out to lunch and not have to deal with these guys anymore.

That was kind of what did it for me.

I never really liked drama class. Acting with my friends was fun, though, which is why I make webseries now.

Things are going to continue to happen to me, but I’m doing alright about that fact. At least, I am right now. Maybe the breakdown just hasn’t hit yet. Maybe I’ll claw at my head screaming I’M SO OLD AND WRINKLY AUUUGH AGGAHUEHHH later.

I’m okay for now, though.

Even if I am balding.

Song of the day: Wilton, Clarkson, James by Graham Kartna https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0RyRCD97D0

He's Literally Babyraging (Being Burnt Out and Dealing With It)

I'm always hesitant to say that I'm "burnt out" because it doesn't sound like a real thing to me.

It's the same reason I'm hesitant to call myself "a video editor", even though all I do half the time is edit videos.

Being self aware enough to know it's not healthy to stay mad and sad but not self aware enough to be above it Buddhist monk style is a really bad position to be in. It makes me feel like a kid having one really really long temper tantrum. It's a physical feeling I get right below my heart somewhere in my stomach, like a bunch of rocks have settled there and for some reason the rocks really piss me off.

I haven't updated the blog for a while for a couple of reasons. One being I don't want to feel pressured to, because it's literally just me on here and I'm trying to do it more for myself than anybody else. The other reason, though, which is the relevant one for this, is that university has taken me out back and beaten the shit out of me for the past few months. Somehow, it's all been scheduled perfectly at the exact worst times, and people are just stressed enough to start being really rude and unpleasant, which makes me want to be shitty back. I don't understand why people are so fucking nasty sometimes. It can't feel good for them either.

The last week or so has been Fine, but even still the stress is creeping up and I can feel a great big crash on the horizon. The cliff edge is coming toward me and I can only scream comically down it like Tom of And Jerry fame.

I'm gonna try and take my time with it and pace myself as carefully as I can, but like I said, the scheduling of stuff disagrees. It's good that I have more and more Me Stuff coming up though and that I'm gradually getting freer time. Current plan is to try and get back into the ol' blog, do some work for various TTRPG thangs with friends, and maybe try and start setting up a little creepypasta-slash-digital-horror-themed writing project I'm thinking about. I also might finish some other stuff and maybe post it here like I've been wanting to.

I'm takin' it slow. It needs to be harve Relaxation Hour for like a couple days at least.

TLDR: me right now

yes including the receding hairline

Song of the day: Temptation by New Order https://youtu.be/xxDv_RTdLQo?si=tlt6-WtVU7CYi2Zx